Kindness Changes & Connects Us

The closer we get to the election on November 5, the more afraid people seem to be; afraid of losing their rights, afraid of increasing violence, and so much more. This only serves to reinforce for me the need at this crucial time for Islands of Sanity.

Margaret Wheatley, author of Restoring Sanity, wrote:

 “At this time when lives and possibilities are destroyed by casual destructive decisions, I aspire for us to be sane leaders devoted to restoring and awakening the finest qualities of being human – our generosity, creativity, and kindness. We will not change the world, but we can create Islands of Sanity where our human spirits come alive and we contribute in ways that make more possible. 

“Generosity, kindness and creativity are essential to developing trustworthy relationships free of judgments and biases where everyone’s talents and perspectives are valued… Leadership is devoting ourselves to creating the conditions so people can manifest them in service to genuine needs and problems.” 

And so we continue this series and we continue to strive to be a place and people of generosity, kindness and creativity; three important values that change us and connect us.

Kindness is defined as being friendly, considerate, respectful and thoughtful. It is about caring for other people’s feelings. Kindness is authentic and genuine. It’s more than being “nice” which can sometimes be inauthentic.

I think the best way to talk about how kindness changes and connects us is through story and example. So, here are three I offer for your contemplation and enjoyment.

MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIPS

Over 2 million couples get married in the US every year. Statistically only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages.

Psychologists John and Julie Gottman together run the Gottman Institute which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies. In 1990 John designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat. Over time, he invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. 

Interestingly enough, Gottman discovered that throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, or “bids," as Gottman called them. For example, say that one of the people in the couple is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. They might say to their partner, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” They aren't just commenting on the bird here: they're requesting a response from their partner – a sign of interest or support – hoping they’ll connect, if only momentarily, over the bird.

The partner now has a choice. They can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away," as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. 

People who "turned toward" their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support. Those who didn’t – those who turned away – would not respond or respond minimally and continued doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

At a six year follow-up, couples who had divorced had “turn-toward” responses only 33% percent of the time. The couples who were still together had “turn-toward" responses of 87% of the time. 

The Gottmans said that much of this comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity, or contempt, criticism and hostility?

Being kind doesn’t mean that arguments don’t happen, or a couple can’t express anger, but kindness informs how it is expressed. Letting contempt and aggression spin out of control can cause irreparable damage. While the kinder path would be to explain why you are hurt and angry.

From this study and others, it is clear that kindness is the glue that holds couples together and is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in marriage. (Contempt, by the way, is the number one factor that tears couple apart.)

Not only does kindness between partners increase the level of trust and show care, concern and respect. That model of showing interest and support will hopefully rub off on other members of the family who witness kindness on a regular basis.

ELMO

At the end of January this year, Elmo, the lovable, red, fuzzy Sesame Street muppet took to X (formally Twitter) and posted, “Elmo is just checking in. How is everyone doing?”

Elmo probably had no clue that that simple question would bring thousands of replies, the essence of which was that people were not good. They talked about depression, losing their jobs, being broke, the struggle of going to work every day, being at the very limit of what they could endure. It seems that the safety of a beloved childhood friend who sincerely asked how they were doing enabled people to voice their fears, str and pain. Many also thanked Elmo for asking.

Eventually, because the response was so overwhelming and so heart wrenching, other Sesame Street friends – Cookie Monster, Ernie, Big Bird – jumped in to offer support and to thank Elmo for being a good friend. Sesame Street also took the time to direct people to mental health resources.

At the end, Elmo tweeted again that Elmo was glad he asked and that he had learned how important it is to ask friends how they are doing. And he promised to check in again.

This small act of kindness - showing sincere concern - allowed people to be honest and for a moment connected them to all kinds of people who were struggling. For that moment they weren't alone in their pain. It's an important lesson for all of us to learn. We don't always have to fix everything, or have the answers, sometimes it's enough to simply care and check in.

Proverbs 11:17 says, "Kind people benefit themselves, while cruel people do themselves injury." 

Every act of kindness, no matter how small, has the power to change us, to fill our souls and give us strength, to change the people involved, and to ripple outward touching more people than we will ever know.

Love & Light!

Kaye