The Gift of Forgiveness

Taken literally, the story in the Gospel of Mark of the paralyzed person being lowered through a roof to Jesus is pretty farfetched. Imagine 2,000 years ago trying to get a paralyzed person up on a roof in the middle of a crowd, then to cut a hole in it, I suppose with some sort of hand saw (why isn’t the homeowner stopping them?) And finally lower the paralyzed person down on a pallet right in front of Jesus (who is now full of dust and splinters and mud from the ceiling being cut open above him). I don’t think so.

Instead, let’s consider this story from a metaphorical standpoint. Let’s look for the deeper than literal meaning. Let’s start with the idea of a paralyzed person. What if the paralysis isn’t physical, but emotional? We can certainly be paralyzed by many things including fear, shame, guilt, regret, anxiety, grief.

What if the passage suggests that being healed of our physical problems is often easier than being healed of the deeper hurts to our hearts and souls? What if it means we should go to whatever lengths we need to begin the healing process, even if that means enlisting help? What if, in this scenario, being granted forgiveness was the way this person could stand tall once more, to face friends and family and community once more?

Jesus gives the paralyzed person the gift of forgiveness without being the injured party, without knowing the story, without requiring the person to ask forgiveness, or make reparations. Jesus serves as a reminder that the God of unconditional love knows the beautiful soul we are deep within and unconditionally grants forgiveness and an opportunity for healing and wholeness.

Forgiveness is a touchy subject. Saying I’m going to talk about forgiveness automatically makes everyone in the room think about the people we don’t want to forgive, the people who have hurt us terribly.

I get it… but I’m not going there today. I want to come at this from the back door (or the open roof, if you will). I want us to consider that we are the paralyzed person. Today I want to talk about self-forgiveness. It is just as important to our spiritual journeys (if not more so) than forgiving others or seeking forgiveness)

When we screw up we’re filled with all kinds of feelings and emotions. We feel small, stupid, worthless, insecure, afraid, ashamed, guilty, alone, upset and more.

Of course, the first thing we need to do when we’ve wronged someone else is apologize. Though sometimes it might take us years to realize that we handled something poorly, or can admit to a mistake, I don’t think it is ever too late to apologize.  Even more important than actually receiving forgiveness is the act of asking for it. Asking for forgiveness requires personal courage, vulnerability, and humility. (check out www.perfectapology.com for sample letters and gift ideas!) At the very least, asking forgiveness is essential to repairing relationships, restoring trust and respect, and moving forward in a more healthy manner. Sometimes we won’t receive forgiveness, but at least we know we tried.

If the person is no longer around or has passed away, then sometimes writing them a letter, telling a therapist, or even apologizing online at www.apologyline.com can help us to begin healing and forgiving ourselves.

Sometimes, even after we’ve apologized, we tend to hang on to all the negative emotions. It can be extremely hard to forgive ourselves for many reasons. Sometimes refusal to forgive ourselves is a type of personal punishment we believe we deserve. A lack of self-esteem can convince us we aren’t worthy of being forgiven. Sometimes we expect so much more from ourselves that it is hard to let go of our failures. And sometimes I think, because we may still be holding anger and hurt against someone else, we believe that we, too, won’t really be forgiven.

Not forgiving ourselves can paralyze us in so many ways. It can be corrosive to our souls, eating us up from the inside out. We can be stunted in our relationships because we’re afraid to risk screwing up again. Self-condemnation is damaging to our mental, physical and spiritual health. We may begin to isolate, losing a sense of joy in living.

Desmond Tutu, in The Book of Forgiving, tells a story about seventeen-year-old Kelly Connor who was driving her twelve-year-old sister to school one morning when, going 10 miles over the speed limit and looking in her rearview mirror, she crested a hill and didn’t see seventy-year-old Margaret Healy until it was too late. She hit and killed her. The family forgave Kelly fairly quickly. But Kelly struggled with forgiving herself. She felt she didn’t deserve to be happy or even have a life. She wondered if she was a horrid monster who had killed someone else. Her mother had forbidden the family to talk about the accident which contributed to her isolation, shame and fear. She felt lost and alone. It took Kelly decades, but 30 years later she now speaks publicly about her journey from silence to self-forgiveness.

Tutu also wrote, “Forgiving yourself is not a way to excuse what you have done or gloss over the harm you have caused others. It is not forgetting about your actions. In fact, it is an honest remembering of what you have done and how you have hurt others. Self-forgiveness is not a loophole to avoid admitting wrongs or making restitution. Self-forgiveness is true self-acceptance. What that means is that you come to accept yourself as a flawed human being… If you are suffering because of the harm you have caused another, that means you have remorse and a conscience, and within those painful feelings is the healing balm you are looking for. Hatred is poison. If you direct hatred at yourself, then self-forgiveness is the antidote to that toxin.”

The evangelical, conservative, fundamentalist religions are quick to remind people that they are miserable, rotten sinners. They want to keep people paralyzed and in fear of their mortal soul. But the reality is symbolized in the story or the paralyzed person. The Divine does NOT hold us in shame and guilt. This is not excusing what we may have done, nor is it saying we don’t have to apologize or make amends. It is saying that we are not held in the muck of what we have done to be shamed and guilted and stunted for the rest of eternity. The Love Energy of the Universe wants us to live whole and free from emotional masochism. Sacred Presence supports us in learning and growing in wisdom so that we can live and live abundantly with love and grace not only toward ourselves, but toward others. Stand up! Take your mat and walk!

Lenten Blessings!

Kaye