The Gift of Resilience

By definition, resilience is “the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties.” It is essential to getting through life, though I doubt many of us give it much thought. Jesus didn't really talk about it either, but he certainly exemplified it and in so doing he imparted this gift to his followers and to us.

The story of Jesus being rejected by the folks in his hometown (Mark 6:1-6)  is but one example of his resilience. I can only imagine how he had hoped his visit to his hometown might have gone. Perhaps he hoped they would be proud of him, and would support him because they’d known him all or most of his life. Certainly these people should have been his most ardent supporters, and should have "had his back" in the face of negative doubters. But no. They seemed worse than other towns! Wasn’t he the carpenter’s son? Hey, we remember Jesus in diapers! How does he know all this? Does he think he’s better than us now?

The passage says that Jesus was astounded at their lack of faith – I wonder if he meant (at least in part) a lack of faith in him. It certainly would have felt that way. Instead of arguing with them, or trying harder to prove himself, or getting mired down in their doubts and negativity, Jesus simply recognized that hometowns were different and he moved on, continuing to teach and preach.

Truly, there are many examples of Jesus' capacity to withstand difficulties. There was the time he spent in the wilderness, the constant questioning and challenging by the Pharisees and Sadducees who were trying to discredit him, his disciples and followers who so often "didn't understand," his frustration with the religious and political systems (as shown by him turning over the tables in the temple). And of course there is the abuse, torture and horrendous execution he endured while remaining true to himself and God.

Today we may not have to endure some of those situations, but we have our own lists of things that test our resiliency: death, loss, taxes, betrayal, abuse, health issues, depression, hopelessness, break-ups, failure, bullying and so much more.

In researching resilience, Brene’ Brown discovered something amazing, while there were a number of things that turned up as significant factors of resilient people there was one thing that showed up for everyone, “without exception, spirituality – the belief in connection, a power greater than self, and interconnections grounded in love and compassion.”

Most of these people spoke of God, but some didn’t. Some went to church or temple or a mosque, others didn’t. Some found God in fishing holes and at home, but they all felt that “spirituality was the foundation to their resilience.”

Personally, I think it is because spirituality helps us get out of our own stuff, to see a bigger, broader perspective, it helps us to feel less alone, it gives us hope for better tomorrows, it trusts in the interconnectedness of all of life and in a benevolent universe, it believes that even endings aren’t endings.

This was clearly the case with Jesus. Spirituality was the foundation for his ability to not give up. He was intimately connected to the Divine, he trusted that connection to Something More to keep him grounded no matter what, to give him strength to stay true to himself no matter what. Taking regular time to be alone and spend time in prayer was obviously one way he stayed grounded and centered in love.

Here are a few other factors Brene' Brown determined are key factors in having resilience:

• Good problem-solving skills
• Know when to ask for help
• A belief in themselves to be able to do things to cope
• Social support
• Critical-reasoning
• Don’t check out or practice numbing techniques

As I get older, one of the biggest things that helps me get through is a reminder that I’ve made it through a lot in the past. Take a moment or two to contemplate a few of the toughest things you’ve gotten through. Did you ever wonder if you’d actually make it through at the time? Did you wonder how you’d ever move forward?  But you did. You made it. You are still here. Now, be proud of yourself. Revel in your resilience!

There is a wonderful quote from a Winnie-the-Pooh movie where Christopher Robin tries to instill in Pooh that he has it within him to keep going no matter what, even if Christopher Robin isn’t there. He says to Pooh, “You are stronger than you seem, and braver than you believe and smarter than you think.” This is a beautiful example of something to say to help strengthen someone, to shore up their ability to be resilient. It may not speak of God and spirituality, but it is deeply spiritual to gather our internal resources, bolstered by a trust in a benevolent universe and a willingness to reach out and ask for help. 

But her are two things that get said that I would suggest are not helpful spiritually (even if they are meant to be):

Everything happens for a reason. I hear this one often, and I cringe when I hear it. Let me explain. To say "everything happens for a reason" suggests that God has just caused something bad to happen for some incomprehensible reason. When I was just about to enter seminary I was pondering the path I’d taken to get there. The critical turn happened after my mom died. So, I was remarking to a friend that perhaps my mom had died so I’d go to seminary. And she responded, “or she just died.”

And I believe she was right. Life happens, choices are made. I can’t apply “everything happens for a reason” to one situation without also applying it to difficult situations like the mass killing of mere children at Sandy Hook School. God does not cause bad things to happen just so we’ll learn something. I do believe that the divine works in the messes of this world to help us to grow, to become more compassionate and can lead us down paths that are healing and helpful. But the end does not justify the means with God. At least not the God I know and trust.

God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Well, we’ve just established that God doesn’t "give us" the bad things in our lives, so this statement doesn't hold water. Plus, we know that there are plenty of folks who aren’t handling what life brings them, like the more than 700,000 people around the world who committed suicide last year. Or the 140,000 people in the U.S. who died of alcoholism. This statement is naive and trite.

Here are some more helpful things to say to ourselves and others when we/they are struggling:

• You are stronger than you seem, and braver than you believe and smarter than you think. (I do love Pooh bear)
• You got this!
• I’m here for you, I will walk with you, we’ll find resources together
• If you can’t believe in yourself, or in God right now, know that I believe for you
• You are strong, you’ve been through so much, and you’ll get through this
• What you’re going through is tough, but I’m rooting for you.

Jesus never claimed to be any better than anyone else. He was challenged by people, circumstances and events, as are we. By walking his path with bravery and integrity, he gave us the gift of seeing what resilience looks like. If he could do it, so can we.

Lenten blessings,

Kaye