Finding God Through Loving Self

A certain elected official recently, and seriously, misinterpreted scripture to suggest that love is given out hierarchically. In other words that God desires first and foremost that we love our families, then our neighbors, then our communities, then our country and then the rest of the world. Seems to me (and even the Pope agrees with me on this one – wink, wink) that this completely off the mark for Christianity. Hierarchical love is a human construct, not a divine construct. Certainly, Jesus never said any such thing.

In Matthew 22, Jesus is challenged, tested if you will, by one of the Pharisees’ lawyers, who asks him: “Teacher, which commandment of the Law is the greatest?”

Jesus replied, “Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the greatest commandment, but the second is like it [in other words, equal to, it]… you must love your neighbor as yourself.”

Keep in mind that earlier in Matthew (5:44), Jesus already included even one’s enemies in this “love your neighbor” formula, saying God makes the sun and rain rise and fall on everyone. No one is excluded from God’s love and care. There is no hierarchy until we make one.

When we extend love, it is then that we find God. As 1 John 4:8 says, “Those who do not love have known nothing of God, for God is love.” The essence of the divine is known as the action of loving… to know God is to love.

In service on Sunday, we collectively defined this type of love as: all-encompassing, unconditional, un-biased, endless, compassionate, respectful, forgiving, non-judgmental, selfless, trusting, non-manipulative, accepting, non-abusive, patient, kind, not requiring reciprocation, generous and not self-serving. I’m sure you could add a few more, but this is a pretty good list.

This type of love is not an erotic love or a narcissistic kind of love… is it a sacred, holy love.

So, let me focus in on the last part of Jesus’ response to the Pharisee, in which he draws on Hebrew law from Leviticus (19:18) itself, he says you “must love your neighbor as yourself.” What is interesting is that no one likes to talk about the “love yourself” part. Even the New Interpreter’s Bible Commentary completely ignores that part. Do people just assume we know what that means and how to do that? Or is it that it sounds selfish to love oneself?

Full confession, I typically find it easier to love others. I have a much harder time loving myself, giving myself a break, having compassion for my struggles, and forgiveness for my mistakes. And I have a feeling I’m not alone.

Given this, it seems to me that more emphasis should be placed on loving oneself because it is the harder thing to do. Love, again, is not a hierarchy that places ourselves at the bottom, and puts everyone else first. Or the other way around, for that matter. Everyone is equally valid, valued, sacred and loved. Each one of us included.

Think about what it might look like to love ourselves in the way I described above. We would forgive ourselves for our mistakes and screw ups, take responsibility, work to change, but not beat ourselves up over it. We wouldn’t practice negative self-talk. We’d give ourselves permission to leave abusive situations and not worry so much about pleasing others. We’d own our gifts and skills, follow our dreams, but also own our limitations without shame. We’d take care for ourselves – our health, our needs, our feelings and get help when needed. We’d practice self-compassion and stand up for ourselves.

This action of loving ourselves is an experience of the Divine, it is like resting in the arms of the Spirit.

It seems to me that shame must be on the top of the list of things that keep us from loving ourselves. Shame is that painful feeling that we are flawed, bad, unworthy of acceptance or belonging. It’s the feeling that if someone knew who we really were, or everything we’ve really done, they wouldn’t like us anymore. Shame tells us we aren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough.

James Conlon in Sacred Impulse, tells a story of Pulitzer Prize winning author, Alice Walker. When she was a young girl, Alice was noted in her family and community as a beautiful child – vivacious, playful, buoyant, and admired by all who knew her.

One day, while she was playing in the backyard with her brothers, one of them shot her in the eye with the BB gun he had gotten for Christmas. Alice was immediately blinded in that eye and had a noticeable scar afterwards. As she grew up, this accident, this blight on her beauty, became a source of great pain, embarrassment, and shame. Years later, when she herself became a mother, she often wondered what her daughter thought about her eye. She was afraid that somehow this mark would diminish her in her daughter’s eyes. Then one evening, when she was leaning over the bed as her daughter was going to sleep, the little girl gazed up at her mother and said, “Mama, you’ve got the world in your eye.”

The little girl had been watching her favorite television show that day, “The Big Blue Planet.” When she looked into the blue-white scar in her mother’s eye, she was reminded of that blue jewel, the Earth. When Alice gazed at herself in the mirror that evening, she felt the pain, shame, and embarrassment of the years melt away. The words of innocence and wonder spoken by her daughter had brought about a healing. This moment expanded into a fresh appreciation of herself, the wonder of her life, and the beauty of the planet itself.

Shame is a really powerful force, but it is lie. We are loveable, we do belong, without being perfect. The divine sees past the layers of baggage, pain, shame, guilt, suffering to the pure soul beneath and says we are loved no matter what. The challenge is to believe it.

Loving ourselves is the center point of our radius of love in the world… they say you can’t truly love others unless you love yourself. You can try, and I think we all do, but if your well is dry how do you draw from it? If you judge yourself harshly, how can you not feel the niggling judgment of others? If you won’t forgive yourself, how can you truly, completely forgive another? If we can’t stop our own negative self-talk, can we really stop the negative thoughts about others?

I get it, it’s hard to love ourselves or anyone else well all of the time. But that’s why the spiritual journey is just that – a journey! It’s something we keep working at and practicing until, inch by inch, we move down the road toward deeper wisdom and connection with the divine.

Remember, you are good, you are beautiful, you are unique, you are worthy and loved. Love yourself and let that rich beautiful love flow from you out into the world.

Love & Light!

Kaye