Curiosity About Ourselves

“I don’t understand what I do – for I don’t do the things I want to do, but rather the things I hate.” ~ Romans 7:15

Have you ever felt this way? Can you think of a time you did something the really didn't want to do? Perhaps you weren't as kind or forgiving as you wanted to be. Perhaps you try hard to be non-judgmental, but yet still find yourself being critical and biased. Perhaps you have one more drink when you know you shouldn't, or you have that second chocolate cupcake when you know one is more than enough. We've all been there.

Frankly, I think Paul is on the edge of a personal growth opportunity when he writes this! But will he take it? Honestly, No. If you read the whole confusing section, it seems pretty clear that Paul believes that the “sin” he is doing, that he really doesn’t want to be doing, isn’t his fault, but the fault of his soul living in a human body, living “according to the flesh.” But, Paul says, because we were baptized, we participated in the death and resurrection of Jesus, so we have died to our old selves and now we can live into a new life in the Spirit. (That's my best shot at the cliff notes for Romans 6-8, but feel free to enjoy the circular arguments and frustrating theology for yourselves.)

In my humble opinion, here’s the deal, Paul has one line completely right. Sometimes we all do things that we really don’t want to do, that we know aren’t good, or healthy, or kind. But there is not a magic ritual that is going to bring us a life of peace. Baptism isn’t going to do it. Communion isn’t going to do it. Coming to church or volunteering or giving to the poor isn’t going to do it. The only thing that will move us closer to a life in the spirit, a life of peace, in which we don’t do the things we don’t want to do, is self-awareness. And self-awareness takes personal curiosity and work.

Jack Kornfield, in A Path With Heart, says, “You may have heard of “out-of-the-body experiences,” full of lights and visions. A true spiritual path demands something more challenging, what could be called an “in-the-body experience.” We must connect to our body, to our feelings, to our life just now, if we are to awaken.”

The spiritual journey is a psychotherapeutic journey because we cannot separate our minds and bodies from our spirits – what affects one affects them all.

And in order awaken, to become more self-aware, to stop doing the things we “hate,” we need to cultivate a curiosity about ourselves. We need to start asking why of ourselves. Why do I feel the way I feel? Why am I angry, sad, empty, lost, jealous, afraid? Why did I just say what I said? Why did I behave the way I did? In this day and age, we don’t get to just write it off to a force called sin within us, or blame the devil on our shoulder. We need to take a close look behind our feelings, our experiences, and our fears, to understand ourselves more and grow into the people we want to be.

Here's an example… I friend of mine was sharing recently that her parents have a fairly contentious relationship and often when they are both on the phone with her, they start fighting with each other. This has always been hard for her to listen to. For many years she felt angry, frustrated, hurt, and caught in the middle, and she just didn’t know how to handle it. After a long time of dealing with this and responding to her parents (at least internally) in a way that she didn’t like, she finally spoke to her life coach about it. He helped her realize that when this happened, it took her back to her 10-year-old self when her parents would argue and fight. Those are horrible situations for children; as a child you feel scared, powerless, and sad. With the help of her coach, she found a new way to deal with her parents when they start arguing on the phone. Now, she simply says to them, “Look, I don’t need to be here right now, you two deal with this and I’ll call back in a little while.” Because of her curiosity about her reaction to hearing her parents fighting, she not only found the root of them, but also found a way to draw a boundary for herself. 

I truly believe there are many, many people who don't develop a healthy sense of curiosity about their own feelings and reactions. And I think there are many reasons for this. First of all, we haven't been taught how to look within ourselves. If anything, we've been taught to look around us for someone to blame. In addition, sometimes we just don't have the energy to look at ourselves so closely, we don't want to do the work, we simply don't want to know, or we don't want to risk having to change. And then there is the whole concept that we're just simply "right" all the time and shouldn't have to examine anything about ourselves.

In No Time Like the Present, Jack Kornfield tells this story:

Arturo Bejar once served as one of the chief engineers at Facebook. His job included responding to problems and complaints by Facebook’s members. With Facebook being so huge it didn’t take long for a million people to register a complaint. If the problems were technical, he simply sent them to the engineering department. However, many of the complaints were about interpersonal problems and about anger, resentment, blame and hurt that had come up. “Someone posted a picture of me I don’t like.” “Someone posted a story about my kids, and they have no right to do so.” “Someone wrote things about me that aren’t quite right.”

At first, Facebook’s response was to send out their legal policy which explained that they would take down photos that were illegal, copyrighted, lewd, lascivious, etc. But Arturo saw that this response left most people dissatisfied. He felt they needed to talk to each other. So, he began suggesting to users that, if they were unhappy with something another person did, they contact that person directly and try to sort it out. Then he realized they might need help with how to do this. “Tell them what you are concerned about.” And then, to make the communication more complete, he also suggested, “Tell them how it made you feel.”

Arturo then discovered that people often don’t know how they feel, especially around difficulty. So, he suggested users learn to recognize their feelings. He even sent them emoticons to prompt their acknowledgement of feelings of hurt, confusion, worry, anger, sadness, fear, or not being appreciated. Finally, to further solve the conflict, Arturo suggested sending a simple inquiry, posing a question like “What made you post that?” or “What was your intention?”

The results were phenomenal. Eighty-five percent of the difficulties were resolved just by this process. Often the offender would respond, “I thought you looked good in this photo. Learning that it bothered you, of course I took it down.” Or, “I’m sorry, I thought it would be fun to post about your kids.”

“In this process,” Arturo said, “I get a chance to teach emotional intelligence and conflict resolution to 950 million people!” 

Here’s one last story, from Mark Nepo, about someone who got curious about why they were responding in a way they didn’t want to, this time it was a trauma response. But instead of simply giving in to it, she dove into it, got curious enough to seek a solution, even if it was one that seems a bit extreme.

Lesia was severely burned in a gas fire when she was nine. Her traumatic fear of fire grew to dominate her life. If someone left a gas grill on while eating, she began to sweat. More than thirty years later, Lesia woke with the notion that she must go back into the fire in order to replace that awful life-changing moment with another.

She worked with firefighters who set up a controlled fire. She wore a fire suit and walked into the flames and just stood there, at first feeling alarmed by her fear, which had enveloped her for so long. Slowly, her fear started to melt and she began to see through the intense heat. The world was waiting beyond the flames. She opened her palms and watched the tall flames curl around her fingers without being able to burn her. As she walked out of the fire, she could feel the wall of heat part and rejoin behind her As the coolness of simple air surrounded her again, she could feel her heart – cramped so far inside for more than thirty years - begin to relax, even expand. 

Nepo comments, “For Lesia, the fire was actual. For many of us, our pain is real enough, but the fire is often a wound or fear that keeps burning us up.”

Curiosity about ourselves helps us identify the fires within us that need to be put out so that we stop acting out. Curiosity about ourselves brings us deeper and deeper into self-awareness, without judgment, but with compassion and understanding. This is the spiritual journey.

Love & Light!

Kaye