The Connections We Make

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 is clear… two people are better than one. Together you get more work done, you support one another, you can keep each other warm, protect one another and are stronger.

Yep. We know this. And we’ve talked about long-term, trusted friendships, and the importance of deep conversations and intimate connections. But what about the brief connections – the “hello” walking down the street, or the chit chat in the produce department? What about short-term, situational “friendships”?  Sitting next to someone new at a wedding reception or being in the same tour group as someone else. You’ll probably never see them again. Does it count for anything?

The answer is yes – socially, emotionally, spiritually. The name for these interactions is weak-tie friendships, and studies show they are just as important to our personal and societal well-being as our strong, deep friendships. Why?

Consider how you feel when you you connect, even briefly, with another human being? It boosts your mood a bit to feel seen and acknowledged. It restores a little faith in humanity and satisfaction with life. It helps us feel like we belong to a larger community, and so we feel less alone and isolated.

I started thinking about all this on our trip to Portugal in early August. We began with three days in Madrid before heading to the ship for a river cruise on the Douro River. The first night we had a “Welcome Reception” which essentially consisted of a half glass of champagne and about a half hour of information. Aside from those of us who gathered to finish off the unclaimed glasses of champagne and chatted for a few moments, most of us didn’t connect at all. I left thinking to myself that we needed some icebreakers to get people talking to each other.

The next day we had a bus tour and then were on our own the rest of the day. Still not much in the way of connections. People sat with those they knew, and we all listened intently to the guide talking into our ear monitors.

The second day of touring it actually rained on our walking expedition of Toledo. Still not much connection, but getting to know faces, nodding hello. But then my wallet disappeared and (bad news always travels faster than good news, and apparently this isn’t any different in a group of people who don’t even know each other) suddenly everyone seemed to know and was concerned. I made more connections in an hour or two after realizing my wallet was gone than I had in two days. Still, as trivial as it sounds, even those small gestures of concern felt supportive and caring.

The next morning people were asking me if I’d found it, did I lose much, what did they do? Great, I thought, now I’ll be known the entire trip as the woman who lost her wallet. On the bright side, I was the only one to get a private tour of the Madrid police department!

John O’Donohue wrote a short blessing called “On Meeting a Stranger.”  

With respect
And reverence
That the unknown
Between us
Might flower
Into discovery
And lead us
Beyond
The familiar field
Blind with the weed
Of weariness
And the old walls
Of habit.

With respect and reverence – REVERENCE, what an interesting word - let me remember that the sacred exists here between us and might help the unknown between us flower into something more, something beautiful. Bless us that we might be led beyond “the familiar field blind with the weed of weariness.” Gosh yes. There are times I feel too tired (or too out of nice) to even try to make connections. And, yes, there are “old walls of habit,” stereotypes and prejudices to get beyond (I admit I heard a few southern accents and I balked a little bit, not sure I wanted to risk an interaction with folks from the Bible Belt).

More and more days on the ship and more and more connections were made. There were more hellos, more “how’s it going?” More people offering to help my wife, Julie, who was having lots of hip and leg pain, or asking how she was holding up. More concern for the few older folks who were struggling with the heat and the hills.

“Weak-tie” friendships always start small. With that dreaded thing called small talk. But, a social psychology researcher at Istanbul’s Sabanci University, found evidence that “these seemingly trite conversations can help people form low-stakes bonds that benefit their emotional well-being.” Publishing their findings November 2023, they proposed that “regularly exchanging a few words with strangers increases the sense of belonging to a larger group, strengthening the entire social tapestry.”

Eventually the small talk in the tour group grew deeper and we discovered the stories behind the faces. We learned about the woman who had overcome ovarian cancer only to find out shortly before the trip that the cancer had come back. They wanted her to start chemo immediately, but she told them she wasn’t giving up living. She’d start as soon as she got back.

We found out about the “guy with the scooter” who had a rare disease that affected the nerves in his low spine so that he may never walk very far again… but he’s working on it.

I listened to a 52-year-old woman (yep, one of the ones with the southern accent) rant about the lack of respect at a program we chose not to go to. And rail at those who had to pass judgment on others instead of accepting them where they were and for who they were. I found out that she had lost her second husband about a year ago and had decided to move out of her house and across the country. Her parents had sent her the tickets to accompany them on the trip, but that wasn’t making it the mental and physical break she needed.

So many stories… all started with small talk. Not everyone connected with everyone else on a ship of 74, but overall, the warmth and the camaraderie grew over the week.

The book of Ecclesiastes is pretty no-nonsense, straightforward, and does not look at the world through rose-colored glasses, yet even the Teacher reminds us of the strength of connections with others. May we all consider, as we go through your days, the opportunities to make “weak-tie” connections with others to strengthen the social tapestry, to increase one another’s sense of belonging and satisfaction with life. Consider shining a light on the spiritual filaments that bind us to one another. The more connections we can light up, the more beautiful the world will be.

Love & Light!

Kaye