Building Others Up

What we say is infinite powerful. It truly has the power to shape how another person feels about themselves.

Ephesians says this… use your words to build others up, use your words to give them grace (in other words: love and forgiveness and positive regard). When you use your words to hurt, when they are filled with bitterness, anger, and negativity the Holy Spirit grieves. Be kind to one another, forgive one another, be compassionate toward one another.

Buddhist philosophy talks about “right speech,” being gentle and kind, or using our words to bring joy and happiness to others and to relieve their suffering.” This, Buddha says, will not only be good for them but will also help us evolve spiritually and be happier as we evolve.

(For the full video version, click here.)

Think of someone who has made you feel good about yourself. What did they do? Most likely they complimented you and encouraged you. They listened to you with respect and caring. Perhaps they offered you opportunities and helped you to succeed. Or maybe they challenged you in a supportive way to stretch and grow. People who make us feel good about ourselves see the best in us and believe in us, even when we don't. And they stick with us when things are tough.

When my son Sam was in 8^th grade, his English teacher gave the class an assignment. They were to write one paragraph about someone who made them feel good about themselves. At his parent/teacher conference, his teacher explained that sometimes her students might name another person in class, but she had never seen this before… nine kids named Sam as someone who made them feel good about themselves.

Is that not the person we want to be known as?

But think about it… is it our first inclination to criticize or compliment? Is it our first inclination to be positive or negative? Is our glass half-full or half-empty? How likely are we to think something good about someone AND TELL THEM??

We’ve all heard the phrase: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I heard another that may be at least as important, if not more so: “If you have something nice to say, SAY IT!!”

Be the encourager. Be the supportive one. Be the one who helps another feel good about themselves. Believe in someone else. I’m not suggesting we lie or be inauthentic. I’m suggesting that we all need to pay attention to our words and the affect they have.

I’ve gotten better about this, but I still think I could be much better. I was trained when I was young to always wait for the other shoe to drop when receiving a compliment. My dad would have nice things to say about my soccer playing or something I’d done, BUT… there was always a BUT… something could have been better. So, sometimes my baggage holds me back because it probably taps my own insecurities.

It is much easier to build others up when we are confident and secure in ourselves.

For example, it takes a good, confident manager to help mentor their employees and help them succeed. When I had student pastors, I gave them all the opportunities and help that I could. I was glad and proud of them when they succeeded. I didn’t feel it took away from me. Truly, the better they looked, the better it reflected on me! But a manager who has no self-confidence or low self-esteem may feel threatened when others succeed.

In a YouTube video, Simon T. Bailey (writer, speaker, author, life coach, the first African American Sales Director at Disney, and founder of the Brilliance Institute in 2010) shares this:

Children up until the age of 4 are operating at the brilliance level .This same group of children were studied in their early 20s and only 10% were operating at the genius or the brilliance level. In their late 20s, early 30s, only 2% were operating at the genius or the brilliance level.

Where did this go? It didn’t go anywhere, it was buried by society that says “color within the lines, sit down, give it back, you can’t do this.”

By the time a child is 17 years of age they have heard “no” 150,000 and only heard “yes” 5,000 times. The more you are told you what you can’t do, where you can’t go, who you can’t become, there is a neurological path that is created in the brain that causes individuals to shut down.

It’s not who we think we are that holds us back, it is who we think we aren’t.

How we teach our children is a perfect example of the benefits of building others up. In all the articles I read, it was clear that the higher a teacher's expectations of their class, the better that class will perform. High expectation teachers believe that their students will perform at a greater than average level and that all the students will move above their current achievement level. Low expectation teachers basically don't expect their students to change. It appears that a teacher's expectations (and associated attitudes and teaching practices) carry more weight than a student's ability when it comes to achievement.

One article said that, "Research also shows that students are very aware of their teachers’ expectations for them. Students can provide examples that demonstrate a very subtle understanding of teacher attitudes, conveyed through words, tone and non-verbal communication. Students of teachers with low expectations come to view themselves more negatively, while students with high expectation teachers develop or maintain positive attitudes across the year, even when they have only made average progress. Positive attitudes to learning and about themselves as capable learners contribute to students’ greater achievement with high expectation teachers."

Historically, the church has had very low expecttaions of people. Thanks to Augustine in the 4th century, the concept of original sin was adopted by the church and has been used to convince millions of people that the core of their very being is sinful. Our only hope of salvation, the church proclaimed, was the death of an innocent, beautiful human being. Great. So, now we're not only lousy to the core, but we're responsible for the death of a great man. (Please note my sarcasm. I find this all a ridiculous doctrine used - effectively, I might add - to control people.)

What if, instead of telling people they were sinful from the start, we told them that they were born a blessing and that the purpose of their life was to make the world a better place with all the gifts, skills and talents they were given? What if we told people they were good to the core? What if we had high expectations of people and built them up? I think it would have made a huge difference.

At the end of the day, it is not just a nice thing to do to build others up, it is part of our spiritual path. It means we are looking deeper than the surface of another, we’re striving for connection, understanding and compassion. Plus to lift up another, to encourage, or listen to, or sincerely forgive means we’re moving forward. 

Here's your homework this week: If you have something nice to say, say it!

Love & Light,

Kaye